Double-Minded Belief or Trusting Belief?

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I was walking and praying this afternoon when it hit me. I’ve committed my way to God, but not trusted that he knows best and will fulfill his purpose for my life. I’ve made that tearful surrender time after time, but keep taking my life back off the altar of sacrifice to the Lord. The Lord brought these verses to mind:

Psalm 37

4 Take delight in the Lord,

    and he will give you the desires of your heart.

5 Commit your way to the Lord;

    trust in him and he will do this:

6 He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,

    your vindication like the noonday sun.

I’ve trusted that these verses mean my life will become amazing, exciting, and wonderful and turn out well if I commit it to God. While the fact is that committing one’s life to God means a life that has meaning, purpose, and eternal life in Christ, but it does not mean my plans will become God’s plans because I’ve committed them to Him.This leaves me disillusioned if I focused on my failed plans and leads me to ask,

Have I really committed and trusted that He knows what he is doing?

James 1 says, “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.”

This passage is referring to asking God for wisdom specifically, but I wonder when I ask God if I really believe He can and will answer my cries? I’m so often double-minded, not truly believing or giving up and becoming double-minded when I have to wait for the answer. When I lean back on my own wisdom I’m unstable and make poor decisions. I end up trying to manipulate circumstances instead of waiting on God. Or I try to make sense of tragedies that I can’t make sense of, while He simply wants to draw me close and teach me to trust in his generous father heart. 

Then He brought to mind I this passage:

I Corinthians 2 No, we declare God’s wisdom, a mystery that has been hidden and that God destined for our glory before time began. None of the rulers of this age understood it, for if they had, they would not have crucified the Lord of glory. However, as it is written:

What no eye has seen,

    what no ear has heard,

and what no human mind has conceived”[b]—

    the things God has prepared for those who love him—

10 these are the things God has revealed to us by his Spirit.”

What am I missing because of my lack of belief and trust? He is One who holds my life in His hands, who is preparing a home in heaven for me, who gave Christ to rescue me, and who has given his Holy Spirit to guide this restless, wandering heart. He is the source of all wisdom, the one worthy of all my trust, and the one who will never changes!

Like the father in Mark 9:24, I want to cry: “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!”

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